3 Things Your Husband Feels About Sex – That You Might Not Know or Believe
Having blogged for four years on Christian sex in marriage, I’ve logged over 6,800 comments. Although my main audience is wives, many men provide feedback. Again and again, husbands have touched on three themes…which surprised me.
I wasn’t surprised by what men describe about sex, but rather the intensity of their feelings as expressed in many heartfelt words and stories. So here are three things your husband likely feels about sex, that you might not know or believe.
1. Sex is irrevocably entangled with his feelings of love. It’s been expressed as “To men, intimacy equals sex,” or “Women have sex when they feel loved; men feel loved when they have sex,” or “Sex is an emotional need for him.” But however you want to state it, the reality exists that for most husbands, feelings of love are irrevocably tangled up in the sexual act. For a husband, making love is a primary way to feel, foster, and express love with his wife.
Look at some ways the Bible describes sexual intimacy for a husband:
“A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” (Proverbs 5:19)
“How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume more than any spice!” (Song of Songs 4:10)
“I belong to my beloved, and his desire is for me.” (Song of Songs 7:10)
For him, sex is an intoxicating, delightful experience that rests in his desire for you, not just sex. His covenant love is not restricted to the marriage bed, but it is irretrievably wrapped up in that intimate act.
2. One of his greatest desires is to satisfy you sexually. Some claim men are only focused on their sexual desires—getting physical release and living out fantasies. Yet, husbands repeatedly express how desperately they want their wives to enjoy sex. They don’t want her to merely show up, but to thoroughly delight in the experience. Most husbands will hold off their own pleasure, perform a lot of the “work,” respond to feedback, and try various approaches until she is fulfilled. A husband’s satisfaction, and even identity, is wrapped up in his ability to send his wife into ecstasy.
One particularly interesting command from the Old Testament is: “If a man has recently married, he must not be sent to war or have any other duty laid on him. For one year he is to be free to stay at home and bring happiness to the wife he has married.” (Deuteronomy 24:5) “Bring happiness” has also been translated “cheer up” or “gladden.” This command emphasized the importance of a husband settling into marital union and assuring his wife of their intimacy, including sexual intimacy. The husband is essentially charged with making sure she’s happy…even in the bedroom.
No Bible verse prioritizes a husband’s sexual pleasure above the wife’s. 1 Corinthians says wives are entitled to sexual intimacy: “The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband.” (7:3) Although the sequence may be unintentional, the wife’s pleasure is mentioned first, not as an afterthought. The wife’s satisfaction is a priority, one your husband likely has as well.
3. He thinks your body is beautiful. Whether you’re a twenty-year-old supermodel or a sixty-something grandmother, he likes your body. We often perceive our bodies as less than—less than the magazine cover model, less than we want or used to be, less than we think he should desire. But most hubbies are thrilled about their wives’ feminine curves, softer skin, and exciting private areas. They wish their wives would believe their reassuring words…and let them delight in that beauty.
In the Song of Songs 1:5-7, the wife expresses self-doubt about her beauty, but the husband repeatedly reassures her how “beautiful” she is (1:15, 4:1, 5:9, 7:1, 7:6 and more). He describes three times within eight chapters what’s so amazing about her God-given body (4:1-16; 6:4-10, 4:1-9).
Yet many wives resist sharing their bodies freely with their husbands. Consider this instruction to a bride from Psalm 45, a royal wedding song: “Let the king be enthralled by your beauty.” (45:11) When your husband says you’re beautiful, choose to believe he’s telling the truth…and let him be enthralled.
Of course, there are exceptions to each of these. Some wives have husbands who are critical of their appearance or uninterested in sex altogether. If that’s you, I’m so sorry. But God can work in your marriage and sexual intimacy. too.
Still, these three are common themes from husbands. So ask whether your husband feels this way, whether you believe it, and what you can to do to pursue godly sexual intimacy in your marriage.
Read more from the series here…
J. Parker is the author of Sex Savvy: A Lovemaking Guide for Christian Wives and writes the Hot, Holy & Humorous blog, where she uses a biblical perspective and a blunt sense of humor to foster Christian sexuality in marriage.